I'm up to one of the last episodes of Downton Abbey, and I still can't figure out if we're supposed to like the chauffeur dude.

Personally, I hate him. I'm just not sure if the show wants me to.

SNOW!

Too bad it's so wet that it's not sticking even a little. But it sure is pretty in the air!

I mentally re-distributed calories for the day, allowing myself to stop at Starbucks to get a third cup of coffee before getting on the train home after my physical therapy appointment.

Me: Can I please have a short sugar-free hazelnut coffee in a tall cup?
Barista: You're not gonna be payin' for that today.
Me: I'm not?
Barista: *Says something about taking my card to pretend to swipe it maybe? But I don't know because I couldn't make out what he was saying because he was talking in what he clearly thought was a low sexy voice*
Barista: What's your name?
Me: Celia.
Barista: Do you work in the area, Celia?
Me: No. I work in Queens and live in Queens.
Barista: Oh. Well, next time you're around, come in and see me.

And then he hands me a grande cup.

I used to appreciate it so much when they'd upgrade my drink size at Starbucks, but it rarely happened. Now it happens more, probably because I'm thinner and people are nicer to thinner people, but now it totally screws up my calorie calculations! I had to spill out half the cup, because I'd only allowed for a certain amount of milk, and that amount would not have been enough for such a large quantity of coffee.

Also, I think that Barista was wildly unprofessional and he made me uncomfortable with his soft-speaking. If you're going to flirt with me, at least speak up so I can hear you properly.

In conclusion, I want pizza SO badly. And a cheese danish. Two of them.

30 lb.

I've been sad all day because of a dream I had last night.

In my dream, my grandmother was in the hospital, as she often was, and things looked bad...but the doctors managed to do some procedure, and she got much better. In the dream, she looked the way she looked several years ago, before she started losing weight and becoming frail and confused and passive.

I sat down on her hospital bed to chill with her, and she was all, "So, are there any cute boys here?" Which is exactly the sort of thing she used to ask.

( I bought a dress. Let me show you it. )

I didn't intend to buy it and I'm not sure if I'm keeping it. It's for a January 2 wedding. It was more than I wanted to spend, and all those layer thingies make it look like it might be hard to have taken in when it gets too big on me--which would suck, particularly if it gets too big before January 2. And while it's kind of more than I'd want to spend on a dress even under normal circumstances, it's DEFINITELY more than I'd want to spend on a dress I get to wear only once before it no longer fits. Plus, I'm going to have a buy a different long-sleeve thing for under it. I know of a store that sells silvery or pewtery ones (you can't tell in these pics, but the dress is a very dark blueish-grey), but I don't know how it'll look. I'm going to shop some more and see if I can find something cheaper and more easily altered that I look good in.

Chanukah's coming up. I really want to get to a store to buy candles as soon as possible so that I don't feel guilty if I buy the last box of something really pretty (because there will be time for the store to get more in stock or for people to shop around...) but I've been so damn busy and exhausted.

So, being so busy and exhausted, what did I do? I decided to host Friday night dinner this week. I kept the list at 11, including myself and a 4-year-old child, thinking that for sure at least one or two would decline. But so far no one has, and one asked if she could bring her brother, who'll be in town this weekend. I don't think I can physically fit 12, but I don't want to say no since she's one of the people in this 'hood that I've become the most friendly with. *le sigh*

Also, I really need clothes. I found a fantastic skirt at Loft yesterday, but it was so expensive and I don't want to buy expensive clothes that I hope to shrink out of. I'm hoping they do one of their "40% off EVERYTHING!" sales again really soon. It seems like they had that going on--or even 50% off--every day until I finally found myself in a Loft trying on clothes. Now it's only 40% off already-reduced items.

Wow, I just got a well-developed response to an e-mail I sent a company. I tried Better Oats oatmeal, because it was on sale at the supermarket and it seemed healthier than other oatmeals I've had. I got the apples & cinnamon with flax seeds, which had fewer calories than the other flavors. I had it this morning and enjoyed it very much, but I wished that the flax seeds were ground rather than whole. They look pretty and healthy when you see them mixed in like that, but the body can't fully derive the nutrition when they're whole. So I wrote the company an e-mail telling them that I very much like the tasty-but-not-too-sweet flavor as well as the portion size, but that I wish the flax seeds were ground. I expected a standard generic "Thank you for your feedback! We'll take it into consideration!" response. I got the following:

We thank you for your comments regarding our oatmeal product.

Although some of our Better Oats products originally contained ground flaxseed, we changed to using whole flaxseeds due to shelf life concerns. We know that most nutrition experts recommend ground flaxseed as it is more digestible by the body and more nutritious.

Comments like yours regarding our products are carefully reviewed to keep us informed of consumer opinions and current issues. We understand your concern and your feedback is being shared with our product managers.

We are committed to producing wholesome quality products and offering them at an everyday low price. We are happy to learn that you are taking advantage of this savings. We also appreciate knowing how much you enjoy our product.

Thank you again for taking the time to contact us. Via US mail, we will be sending our one-time coupon mailing to you.

Better Oats Oatmeal

A logical explanation of their reasoning! I did not expect that.

Remember the awesome dress from a few entries ago? I wore it to shul (synagogue/temple) over the holidays (and it looked even better because between when I posted the pics and when I wore, I lost 3 or 4 more pounds) and got numerous compliments.

Today in shul a girl says to me, "I hope you're not too upset...but you know that dress you wore on Simchas Torah? It looked so great that I bought it in black."

Noooooo! There mustn't be smaller people wearing my clothes and looking better than I do in them! Plus, I'd MUCH rather have this dress in black. They only had it in taupe at the store I bought it in.

Oh, Vampire Diaries. How you make me cry.

Twenty pounds. Fina-f***ing-ly.

Another 20-30 to go. Le sigh.

Vampire Diaries is breaking my heart (in a good way) this season. Candice Accola's doing an amazing job with Caroline.

( Huh. )

I really need to find a pair of killer nude heels.

I appear to be one of the only overweight people capable of looking worse after losing some weight. I don't know why I expected otherwise.

Basically, just about anything I've lost has come from my behind, which certainly needed to shrink, but my belly is just as big as ever. So now I have the kind of body that's bigger out in front, which I'm not used to and which none of my clothes were made for.

This recent worsening of my TMJ problem has me really terrified. I think my life is kind of over. All I can find online is information about very, very, very expensive treatments and message boards filled with posts from people who have been hopping from treatment to treatment, trying to find something that works.

My jaw has been out of alignment for two weeks now, and I feel like the bone and cartilage in there are probably damaged. The disc is probably completely slipped. The only lead I have on a TMJ specialist is going to cost me close to $1,000 out of pocket just for the initial consult and diagnosis. There will no doubt be a mouthguard/splint for me to wear, and as I understand it, those can be thousands of dollars.

I'm just crying and have no idea what to do.

My back is not appreciating the exercise I've been doing, even though it's been primarily brisk walking and jogging. I feel like my lower back is entirely in the wrong place.

I hate exercising. Haaaaaaaaaate. I don't understand how anyone can enjoy it. My friend's husband insists I look like I lost weight ("When I give a compliment, YOU'RE GONNA TAKE IT, DAMMIT.") and we got to talking about working out. He LOVES it. He started doing triathalons for fun. I don't get it. For me, exercise is pure pain and discomfort. If it's not back pain, it's throat and lung pain. That's why I can't run for more than a few minutes at a time--it's not that my back or legs start hurting, necessarily, it's that my breathing starts hurting. And it was always like this, even when I was at my least heavy. (I'm actually able to run more now than I was when I was 15 pounds lighter.)

But yeah. Exercise=misery.

Remember how a while back I said I'd attempt to make note of good things that happen? Here's another attempt.

Yesterday I ran through Macy's really fast to return something and to see if any clothes jumped out at me. I really need clothes. I bought two dresses and a cute summer sweater. One of the dresses is very pretty and it's the exact same cut as one I already own from last summer, but I suspect it's not terribly flattering on me. But it's super comfortable and the dress itself is pretty, so I decided to get it anyway.

The second dress is a more casual dress, perfect for work (and dates), and it fits me perfectly. I think it may accentuate the thickness of my waist from the front, but I think it's flattering from the side. I'll just have to walk around sideways, I guess.

A couple of weeks ago I got a thing in the mail from Netflix. It had my name printed inside and had a promotional code for one of those free trial memberships. I knew from past experience that trial memberships are available for new members only, but in the small print at the bottom it said they're available for first time and certain former members. So I figured I was a "certain former member" and I was pleased. I thought ahead to figure out exactly what 1-month time period I wanted to have it for, and I decided to activate it this evening.

It didn't let me. It said I couldn't have the free trial because I was a former member.

Unacceptable! Do not send me a card with my name printed on it and entice me, only to reject and mock me!

So I called Netflix and explained in a very friendly voice that I understand that trial memberships are usually for first-time members, but this mailing led me to believe I was one of those "certain former members" who are eligable, and it seems kind of mean to do that and then not let me, so is there anything she can do about that. She explained that the eligable former members are members whose accounts have been closed out for at least a year. My account has been closed only since August. She informed me, however, that they don't want to be mean, so she's going to go ahead and give me a free trial membership.

"I'm really not supposed to do that, so don't tell anyone."

Okay, Netflix Girl. I won't.

I have a cheap knife block set that I have trouble finding good storage space for, because I'm nervous about leaving it out on a counter-top. I feel like leaving it out would basically be me saying, "Here, Mr. Burglar and/or Rapist man: Help yourself to a weapon with which to threaten and/or kill me!)"

What are your thoughts on this matter?

Poll #1737585
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 10

On a scale of 1 to 10, how kind-of-crazy do you think this makes me (with 1 being "I'm totally with you on this and would also not want to leave my knife block out!" and 10 being "Batshit crazy, girl.")

Poor, neglected LJ. I never write in you anymore. (But I do still check my friends' entries at least once most days.)

I'm having a wee bit of a back flare-up. I'm doing everything I can to keep it wee. I immediately popped lots of ibuprofen and muscle relaxants and lay down to do veerrrrry gentle stretching. That was when I got up this morning. I seem to be doing okay for now if I move slowly and carefully. I'm going to make sure to rest but not rest too much--lying down makes my back hurt more, in general--and keep the ibuprofen coming regularly.

I'm afraid of it getting worse because a) ouch, b) I have things I need to do and places I need or want to go in the near future, and c) I have to proctor the MA program's comprehensive exams this Friday, and I don't want to have to back out of that, because the MA program head's wife died a few days ago and I don't want to make him have to start begging people last minute to help out.